.: take heart :.

This week was a real kick in the stomach about what the heck I am doing worrying about things. Specific things that I feel like I have been praying about (for-like-everrrrrr). 

Well, it seems like forever at least.

Treading some massive water.

Hanging on.

Climbing and climbing to reach the top, the breakthrough.

Lets face some facts, some truth.

In this world, you will continue to experience difficulties...(John 16:33)

Whoa.  Thanks John, that's reassuring. 

No matter how much I plan. How careful I am. How prepared I am, crap is going to come walking (sometimes running) into my life and I have no say in it at all. 

*Sometimes I create problems, due to poor habits, or just plain old mistakes made out of foolishness. But still, truth is,  problems be-a-comin'.

I hang on.  Sadly, I have a tendency to hang on to the wrong end of things. I hang on to my fear. My worry.  I expend so much energy trying to figure out how to fix it. I am mostly always trying to fix 'it'. It drives my husband nuts sometimes I think. But mostly I try to figure it out, immediately. On my own terms. Why don't I sit back and think about what is actually going on, behind the scenes. Certainly God is doing something there, but I rather fix it with worry. Hahaha. Silly me. Why would I think worry has any fixing capabilities whatsoever? Worrying's track record is 0 for 0.  But I cling. desperately.

Has God ever come through for me? Really saved me and my family? You bet. Totally opposite track record.  The 'problem' has got nothing on Him and His perfect love for me. 

John follows up with this promise, (thank you Jesus-redemption.) This hope, this truth that I too quickly overlook.

...but take heart, He has overcome the world. 

Has. As in- done. I seriously needed to check where I was placing my energy and focus. This week, it took me a good three or four days to realize what was going on here in my heart. I was exhausted. I was clinging to the wrong thing. Clinging to my 'problem'.  But we broke up yesterday.

 "It's not you, its me!" (blah blah blah)

 Me and the problem broke up cause its always going to rear its ugly head again.  And I chose the victor.  Cause seriously, lets be real, trusting although a difficult choice, a leap of faith most times. Its still easier than wasting so much energy trying to fix every stinking thing for goodness sake.  

Ain't no one got time for that!

Take heart.

 

.:Something New:.

Spring is always kind of magical to me. 

I am brimming with ideas and hopes for the warmer weather ahead, and I am usually in the need of a major pick-me-up after a long PA winter. This past winter was one of the longest, harsh winters I can remember.  So I welcome sunshine with open arms. 

I have had this blog for a few years now. Mainly I've posted photos from my photography business, some of my kids, but lately I have been feeling a shift.

I am going to continue blogging photos for my business.  But I am also going to blog thoughts, ideas, current going ons in my family life, side projects/art I am working on and basically any and everything else I need to get out of my heart/mind and share!

I just feel like I need for more. I know this is a public blog, and it helps my business, but I feel it more for me.  I feel like I want to share more, discuss more, and save more memories of what life is like for me in this season of my life. 

With that said, I have been busy. 

Hello Ewan Mathias 

He was born on April 16, here at our home. Our wonderful photographer/close friend was here and photographed the birth, I cant wait to see them, and maybe share some on here. 

He has taken our little family of four to the next level and everything is different and wonderful at the same time.

I was riding the high of a natural delivery. Anyone who has birthed a baby without drugs (especially at home) knows what I am talking about. Its a serious high, and I rode it out for a good two weeks. Yes I had my moments of hormonal dumping. Where I would lose my patience, and cry, then be laughing the next moment. My poor husband-trying to explain to the kids why I was temporarily crazy.

Everyone asked how I was doing, and seriously, I felt great and would say that going from 2 to three kids was easier than 0 to 1 and 1 to 2. 

Then three weeks hit. Rusty was well back to work, and back to normal busy life at work, recording in the studio, and taking day trips Kayaking. I thought I was ok. I tried to be ok, but man the loneliness hit hard. My patience with the bigger kids was tapped out, and I was tired. It was a bad combo. I felt like I was losing my grip on parenting, and reality and it saddened me. 

Finally Rusty and I had a few days straight of home time and I told him my heart. 

He is wonderful.

He reassured me that all the failings I had been claiming were not reality. No matter how real they seemed. Then came my revelation.

Chose truth.
Not guilt
Not shame
Not lies.  

Who does God say I am? 

I take lots of deep breaths. A LOT OF DEEP BREATHS.
I am not a failure, I know that I am just adjusting, and I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. But man, is it hard to hush the lies that seem to be whispering and at times shouting in my ear. So I chose truth.
And I took back what I know is mine, and took back my identity. Onward I go.

Week four was much better and here we are at 5 weeks and I am chugging along. It helps that Ewan is sleeping through the night. Yes thank you sweet Jesus, hallelujah! Rest.

Ruslana and I are still at odds most days, but that was going well before I had Killian or Ewan.
We are too similar.
We are like, what a good friend calls, 'sand paper'. We just grate each other.  A lot.
She is so wonderful, and caring, and such a helper. She has a tender heart and I love her so so so much.
But we sometimes struggle at getting along.  She challenges me on almost everything.

A couple weeks ago, I had a realization: We just need to hone her leadership skills, her headstrong tendencies for good! Teaching her to push in her heels on things certain things, not her mama!! All day!

Most days I lose my patience with her by 10 AM!
I have prayed for little ways to refresh my patience with her and turn my irritation to kindness. Overwhelming grace and a smiling happy mama, for real!
Physical touch is her love language. So I chose her heart.
I chose to either rub her back as she sits next to me to read. Or do something extra special with her hair, like a fun braid (I am not good at this at all, but she doesn't know that!) or tie a fun scarf around her strawberry locks.

Its amazing how it helps. It calms my frazzled nerves and turns her heart right around.

Life is looking good and different than I could have ever imagined it looking. And although tough, we are figuring it out together.
 

 

.: Giver of Life:.

Mothers day is just a few short weeks away. Just a leap into May, and we will all think of our mothers, everyone has one. Some closer than others. Some more present than a best friend in our lives. Mines the latter. 

Maybe I am a little bit crazy hormonal since I just gave birth to our third child a little over a week ago, but I have been thinking of my mom a lot lately. The good the bad the ugly. Yes I said it. And its true. Every human has those three. Maybe it should be worded a little different, something like, the True, the Raw, the Beautiful. My mom has all three. We have a very close relationship.  It kind of weirded out my husband when we first met.

I remember the day that I realized that my mom was real. She had flaws! What? N way, not my parents. She was always super put together, very full of energy. (Probably because she is boarder lining on having narcolepsy. She can and does fall asleep in mid-sentence and can sleep any and everywhere). When I was a kid, even though she was at work or school a lot, she was doing it. She is the kind of lady who says, "Hey world, I want to go back to nursing school full time and work full time and be a mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter the best I can.  oh yeah, and I want to join the military again." And she did. 

For a while there I kinda was mad at her a lot. I'll be honest.  Amidst turmoil with my brother, I felt over looked. She was doing it all, and I was left to figure it out. (Don't worry, we worked it out since I was 15!) But there's still talk of "the letter". A nasty hurtful letter I wrote one night while my mom was working night shift after being at school during the day. I needed to get it all out. All my emotions I couldn't speak out. So I did. I wrote them out. In a letter. In the worst, mean way any 15 year old could hurt their mother. And it did just that. I immediately felt terrible. But I must say, it brought us closer together. We were already close, but this was a whole new level. I felt like for the first time my mom saw me a young lady. Full of questions, emotions I didn't understand, I  needed my mom and I like to believe she saw that I wasn't as independent as we both thought. We talked it out and we have been growing along side of each other ever since. 

A lot of milestones have met us with heartache and we chose to stick together and weather the storm together.  things like my dad being diagnosed and passing away from cancer almost 8 years ago. Her mother, my Nanny, passing away after a stroke and long stretch in a nursing home.  Watching my brother struggle and make huge mistakes in his life. Skype dates while she served almost a year in Iraq. 

We choose late night phone calls just to cry it out to another person who 'gets it'. Dinner dates where we just reminisced. So hard-but great walking those things out with her.

She hasn't really ever failed. I mean I know she has, she's human like I said. But she's set out to do lots of great things, and has actually done them, well. 

Trained and walked a ridiculous amount of miles on the El Camino (thing Appalachian Trail but in France/Spain) for three weeks just cause she wanted to. Has said things like, "I've always wanted to go to Iceland, Germany, etc" and has actually gone. Its incredible. Her sense of work hard, learn as much as you can, and then play hard. 

So- Who is this woman?

Sandi Jones. 

My Marmie.

Mom. Sister. Daughter. Aunt. Gammi. Friend. US Army Captain. Sojourner. 

.:Fuller Family 4, soon to be 5:.

Lets just take a second to recognize that I am so very fortunate to be apart of such a incredibly talented bubble of Photographers here in Central Pa. 

We are so very lucky to call one of those photographers a dear friend (well, my kids refer to her as Aunt Spety, or Aunt Pety) but Svetlana is incredibly talented, blessed and has a certain gifting behind the lens. We love getting our family portraits done by her from time to time, and I love working along side of her occasionally as well. She really is something! 

I had a hard time going through these images for our family photo alum and frames, so I had to share on here, because she did such an incredible job.

If you are in need of a photographer, she is your gal! Please go and check out her website, and book her now. Seriously, Go!

http://svetlanaphoto.com

.:New baby E:.

This past week, I met the cutest little baby E.  Newest addition to the Aitkin family.  She is tiny and petite and all new and peely. The visit was sweet and mama is doing wonderful. Their home is full of such joy and wonderfulness that is a young growing family. God is so good, an when you walk in there, His fragrance hangs in the air there. 

PS. Did I mention their home is so cute and creative and cozy? (alliteration at its finest-you're welcome)

    

.:Toy Box Glory:.

We struggle with space. Always trying to downsize, it seems like we toss stuff on a monthly basis so we can stay sane in our tiny space. But keep the kids toys organized has driven me nuts for as long as we lived here. So, we finally figured what we could do. We had our good friend Ben Shea build us something to contain the madness. 

Ben is super creative and a great craftsman. He can build some pretty amazing desks, farm style dining room tables, dog houses, you name it, he could probably make all your lumber dreams come true. And, and he used with this toy box, he uses refurbished and recycled wood. So lots of character, and would you look at those colors those old lathes have? I love it. This toy box is so beautiful and BIG!

If you are interested in hiring Ben to create you a lovely piece, contact him here