Tuesday, May 20, 2014

.:Something New:.

Spring is always kind of magical to me. 
I am brimming with ideas and hopes for the warmer weather ahead, and I am usually in the need of a major pick-me-up after a long PA winter. This past winter was one of the longest, harsh winters I can remember.  So I welcome sunshine with open arms. 

I have had this blog for a few years now. Mainly I've posted photos from my photography business, some of my kids, but lately I have been feeling a shift.

I am going to continue blogging photos for my business.  But I am also going to blog thoughts, ideas, current going ons in my family life, side projects/art I am working on and basically any and everything else I need to get out of my heart/mind and share!

I just feel like I need for more. I know this is a public blog, and it helps my business, but I feel it more for me.  I feel like I want to share more, discuss more, and save more memories of what life is like for me in this season of my life. 

With that said, I have been busy. 
Hello Ewan Mathias 
He was born on April 16, here at our home. Our wonderful photographer/close friend was here and photographed the birth, I cant wait to see them, and maybe share some on here. 
He has taken our little family of four to the next level and everything is different and wonderful at the same time.

I was riding the high of a natural delivery. Anyone who has birthed a baby without drugs (especially at home) knows what I am talking about. Its a serious high, and I rode it out for a good two weeks. Yes I had my moments of hormonal dumping. Where I would lose my patience, and cry, then be laughing the next moment. My poor husband-trying to explain to the kids why I was temporarily crazy.
Everyone asked how I was doing, and seriously, I felt great and would say that going from 2 to three kids was easier than 0 to 1 and 1 to 2. 
Then three weeks hit. Rusty was well back to work, and back to normal busy life at work, recording in the studio, and taking day trips Kayaking. I thought I was ok. I tried to be ok, but man the loneliness hit hard. My patience with the bigger kids was tapped out, and I was tired. It was a bad combo. I felt like I was losing my grip on parenting, and reality and it saddened me. 

Finally Rusty and I had a few days straight of home time and I told him my heart. 
He is wonderful.
He reassured me that all the failings I had been claiming were not reality. No matter how real they seemed. Then came my revelation.

Chose truth.
Not guilt
Not shame
Not lies.  

Who does God say I am? 
I take lots of deep breaths. A LOT OF DEEP BREATHS.
I am not a failure, I know that I am just adjusting, and I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. But man, is it hard to hush the lies that seem to be whispering and at times shouting in my ear. So I chose truth.
And I took back what I know is mine, and took back my identity. Onward I go.

Week four was much better and here we are at 5 weeks and I am chugging along. It helps that Ewan is sleeping through the night. Yes thank you sweet Jesus, hallelujah! Rest.

Ruslana and I are still at odds most days, but that was going well before I had Killian or Ewan.
We are too similar.
We are like, what a good friend calls, 'sand paper'. We just grate each other.  A lot.
She is so wonderful, and caring, and such a helper. She has a tender heart and I love her so so so much.
But we sometimes struggle at getting along.  She challenges me on almost everything.

A couple weeks ago, I had a realization: We just need to hone her leadership skills, her headstrong tendencies for good! Teaching her to push in her heels on things certain things, not her mama!! All day!

Most days I lose my patience with her by 10 AM!
I have prayed for little ways to refresh my patience with her and turn my irritation to kindness. Overwhelming grace and a smiling happy mama, for real!
Physical touch is her love language. So I chose her heart.
I chose to either rub her back as she sits next to me to read. Or do something extra special with her hair, like a fun braid (I am not good at this at all, but she doesn't know that!) or tie a fun scarf around her strawberry locks.
Its amazing how it helps. It calms my frazzled nerves and turns her heart right around.

Life is looking good and different than I could have ever imagined it looking. And although tough, we are figuring it out together.


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