.:my darling:.

I have been wanting to post something about the birth of my son Ewan for a little bit now. ( Ewan, pronounced You-win, not EE-won. Gosh People!!). Well, I have to be honest- looking through the photographs my dear friend Svetlana took of his birth were real. Like a little too real,  still a little too fresh in my memory. The emotions were still to real until this past weekend. So I grabbed my box of tissues, and opened up the file on my desktop and braced myself for some flashbacks.

Its quite a beautiful story. 

Contrary to what society told me a home birth would be. 

"Don't you know you can die?"

"What if your baby dies?"

"Why wouldn't you want to get an epidural?"

"Your a fool who obviously doesn't care about your health or your babies!"

"There's reasons why people don't have babies at home anymore!"

"What if something happens and you have to be rushed to the ER?"

"Did you have a home birth on purpose?"

 I know a few close friends who had shared with me some super beautiful stories of  their home births. I actually was so excited to birth at home. I didn't tell many people that we were planning on a home birth, because of the comments like the ones above. Kinda the same hornets nest that gets stirred up when someone finds out we home school and/or that our kids aren't vaxed. Or that our family lives in one room, no walls (except for the bathroom), "What?, ya'll are crazy!" they say. 

But with a family full of nurses, (including my mom) the 'risks' they shared should've scared me into another hospital birth. See, I have experienced a scheduled c-section (my daughter Ruslana was breached, head up, feet to ankles, ouch!), and a non medicated 20 hours long hospital delivery (longest thing ever, thanks Killian!). I went into Ewan's pregnancy knowing I could indeed birth a baby with no drugs. But the hospital experiences left a pretty stale taste in my mouth that I wasn't interested in having again. See, I felt like just a number, a patient name on a clip board,  holding someone up from getting off the clock. No eye contact.  Phrases like, "yeah, you say you don't want any drugs, but you will, you will fall in love with our Anesthesiologist." Or, "We saw that you have been on our dry erase board with no PIT for around 20 hours, and we need your bed." 

I wasn't having that again. Bringing Ewan into the world should be on his time. Supporting me to get the most out of my labor, supporting me. But I get it, I watched both "The business of being born" movies, I know hospitals are a business, and they need to get as many woman in those beds and out as possible in a day and have them 'use' all aspects of the hospital, OR's, Anesthesiologists etc. as possible. When I asked the OBGYN, who seemed to be as younger than me, whats the percent of babies she assisted being born, without meds, her reply stunned me. "None really. I'm not trained to help babies out naturally, I am trained to cut them out." Well if that answer didn't make my cervix shrink up and hide, I am not sure what else would. 

 So I embarked on a midwife/home birth pregnancy and delivery. 

My prenatal visits were so beautiful. Having my kids there to help find the heart beat next to my Midwife, Mary- was so peaceful. Sipping tea by the wood stove was amazing as we chatted about medical history and what I wanted out of my birth. Mary. Oh my sweet Mary. She was a perfect creature of love and respect for me and my baby Ewan.  It was all about me, and letting me work out this thing called home birth however it indeed would play out.

I was around 2 weeks late (according my charting, and when i know we got pregnant) Mary was in no rush, no hurry, no worry, just patiently waited. 

Around 7pm, my husband got home and took one look at me and asked if i was in labor. I had been having braxton hicks contraction for weeks and weeks, but this felt different. 

I immediately got out my iPhone and started tracking my contractions. They were around 13 minutes apart. And so i hopped in the tub, and relaxed.  My kids were in bed and there they stayed for the next 5 hours. My doula/home birthing mama extraordinaire friend Mallory came, and when i saw her, it was like, Holy Shit balls, this is for real now.

Rusty and her helped me breathe and labor through some contracts, which were around 11 minutes apart at 10pm.  We called Mary and she told me to call her when they were more like 5 or 8 minutes apart. So I hung out, breathed and and enjoyed labor. It sounds silly, but i am too stubborn to waste a perfectly good contraction, so squatting down and really allowing my body to open up was it. I was focused and anxious to see my baby boy. 

Mary showed up, along with Midwife Jen. Shortly after my mom and Svetlana came. They all stayed so quiet and still and just watched.  (OK. My mom didn't do any of those things, she was trying to distract me from my contractions so i could forget about the pain.) I don't quite get her theory. She had two kids, , in a hospital, no meds, she understands labor pain. She was worried for me I guess, being at home where its dangerous and all--note the sarcasm. Anyways... So I told her what any other self respecting home birthing mama would do to someone who was acting-a-fool would do: I told her to Shut it.  duh! But my moms a big girl, so she just laughed and stayed quiet. 

And I was quiet. But I wasn't sure if I would stay quiet through transition so we called our Lindsey ( yep our Lindsey, shes ours, back off) and she came, around midnight and rescued our kids in the cover of night. 

Shortly after she left, Jen asked if i wanted to be checked. To see if I was progressing, since i hadn't been checked yet, I reluctantly laid on my couch and said a prayer that I would be at least 5cm. 

She smiled at me and said, yep, your totally dilated. And if I wanted to push during my next contraction, I could try.

At this point, my contractions weren't closer than 5 minutes apart. So i walked on over to my birth pool, which was only halfway full and said, I guess i should get in here to have him. 

As i stood in the pool,  The Flaming Lips song, "Do you realize?" came on my birth play list, and I told Rusty it would be great if i had him during that song.  Everyone chuckled and I knelt down and felt the rising wave of another contraction come my way. 

I silently gave a strong steady steady push and felt Ewan's head make its way out. I looked up and said, 'His heads out', which everyone gave a resounding, "What?!"

The next contraction came shortly after and I gave it all i had quietly and he just floated on out. Into the warm water, where Jen grabbed him and handed him to me. Everyone was astounded, including myself. 6 hours later at 1 am-ish here we were. Ewan Mathias Fuller had entered this world in the most peaceful way possible. 

The wonderful peace of heaven was there that night. You could feel it. Tangible.  (Sometimes i can still feel it, when i hold Him. )

He was seriously so peaceful and calm,  and alert. Looking around and turning to Rusty when he called Ewan's name sweetly from beside the birth pool. 

I had done it. I was on the 'I just had a baby, at home, no drugs' high.

I didn't rip, or tear.  Hallelujah. Can i get an Amen?!......  Anyone? 

I hung out on my sofa holding him quietly.  Our own home. Our blankets, pillows, clothes,  smells, food. It was great. Mary and crew cleaned up everything, and we climbed into our bed that Mary helped dress with Rusty while i was relaxing with Ewan. Jen assessed him. He was Perfect.

Just heavenly. So restful and beautiful.

Mary came back in 2 days with Jen. Then again in a week, and in 4 weeks. Then at 6 weeks. She called multiple times in between visits. Just to say hi, and check on me. When the midwives came to visit, they held Ewan like he was family, doting on him and snuggling him. It was so nice. The post natal care for me was just as important as the care for Ewan. Something that I felt i seriously missed with my past hospital experiences.

He is almost 5 months old now. Sweeter than ever. My most calm, and easy child so far. I firmly believe the way he entered this world has a great deal to do with his demeanor now. 

I have absolutely no regrets. He is perfect and I loved having him at home. 

So there it is. And in the end, my super smart, modern medicine believing mom, who doubted the whole Home birth thing from the beginning, is a supporter. She is officially on the record saying she wished she had home births. She thought it was one of the best experiences shes ever had the joy to whiteness. 

My home birth.

*****DISCLAIMER!!!!*****

 (I know each mother has her own story. No way to bring a child into this world is right, or wrong. None are better than others, but this is my story.)

.: the heart:.

The heart. 

A pumping blood, strong, life sustaining organ. But it's so much more.

I have been thinking on this topic a lot recently. 

Three kids has pushed me farther emotionally, and physically than I thought I could ever grow and stretch as a momma.  I have felt brought to the brink of insanity and back again and it has been joyous and horribly ugly all within the span of a day.

Sometimes I overlook one simple fact: all of my kids have a heart. Duh! Physically and spiritually speaking.  Everyone does, but since I am usually with my room-mates all day everyday, they are who I ponder on most in my days.

Ruslana Eva. Wild and bold. Strong and opinionated. Curious and Tender. Creative and smart.  

Killian Arsenal. You are my steady. Courageous and quiet. Funny and Kind. Quiet and loving.

Ewan Mathias. You are still so tiny. Alert and Calm.  I can not wait to watch you grow.

Often times I get caught up in my own perception of the day. The little irritations that chip away at me all day. The ups and downs. My legs are the ladder that Killian climbs up all day. My hair gets pulled on, spit up in. My Skin is touched a million times a day. Sometimes in love, sometimes on "accident" as in, someone didn't see my bare feet for the 100th time and stepped on them with super grippy, rubber soled sneakers, ripping my skin off. Chipping away on my 'nice mommy' mind set.

I lose sight of the heart of the matter.  Each kid of mine needs me in different ways. 

My strong willed, curious little girl needs a listener as she explains the way that a plastic toy with fake wood grain is indeed wood because she 'knows' it is. She's performed tests and experiments, she's 'sure.'  She needs me to listen to her stories of how things should be and why clouds are there to keep heaven like a secret hiding spot and tree house for angels. She needs me to be patient and understanding when she has to just about be under my feet whenever I am caring for Ewan. Shes getting him up from a nap and walking around the living room boppin him around to keep him happy (instead of gasping because she IS 6, and having cobble stone floors which would be deadly if she tripped). She dreams of being a mommy someday.

Killian needs me to watch him jump and spin and dash around this world. His bright sea glass blue eyes light up whenever he sees a tractor or buggy that he is going to shoot with his toy pistol. He needs me to listen to his crazy statements only to be followed with, I'm joke-in moMMMM! He needs me to be patient in the morning when he lays in the middle of the living room floor and yells for me because she cant wait to snuggle in and watch the cows roam past our windows in the warm sunlight. Usually this is where my hair gets pulled, he's all wrapped up under my elbow like a baby bird. Here he tells me his favorite things about the day before. He reveals his ideas of the day ahead. He needs me to stop trying to run a bunch of errands that I cram into one day so he can rest at home in quiet. 

I must see the heart behind it all. Ruslana has such amazing leadership qualities and creative ideas that my adult reasoning is just baffled  by. If I slap them down, I will break her beautifully huge spirit.

If I push away my tiny tender boy when he wants to sit close only because Id just like my morning tea first, I could push him away and he may never come back. 

Guard your heart. Take heart. Your heart is where your treasure is.  Be of pure heart.

The heart is an important thing, so important that its talked about throughout scripture. Its mentioned around Eight hundred and thirty times in the KJV.

 The Heart.

Its my job as a parent (alongside Rusty) to protect the integrity that is their heart. Free to be who God created them to be. Encouraging them to figure it all out without me stifling that growth.  Seeing past the 'annoyances'. 

See past the reality and dream with them.

.: take heart :.

This week was a real kick in the stomach about what the heck I am doing worrying about things. Specific things that I feel like I have been praying about (for-like-everrrrrr). 

Well, it seems like forever at least.

Treading some massive water.

Hanging on.

Climbing and climbing to reach the top, the breakthrough.

Lets face some facts, some truth.

In this world, you will continue to experience difficulties...(John 16:33)

Whoa.  Thanks John, that's reassuring. 

No matter how much I plan. How careful I am. How prepared I am, crap is going to come walking (sometimes running) into my life and I have no say in it at all. 

*Sometimes I create problems, due to poor habits, or just plain old mistakes made out of foolishness. But still, truth is,  problems be-a-comin'.

I hang on.  Sadly, I have a tendency to hang on to the wrong end of things. I hang on to my fear. My worry.  I expend so much energy trying to figure out how to fix it. I am mostly always trying to fix 'it'. It drives my husband nuts sometimes I think. But mostly I try to figure it out, immediately. On my own terms. Why don't I sit back and think about what is actually going on, behind the scenes. Certainly God is doing something there, but I rather fix it with worry. Hahaha. Silly me. Why would I think worry has any fixing capabilities whatsoever? Worrying's track record is 0 for 0.  But I cling. desperately.

Has God ever come through for me? Really saved me and my family? You bet. Totally opposite track record.  The 'problem' has got nothing on Him and His perfect love for me. 

John follows up with this promise, (thank you Jesus-redemption.) This hope, this truth that I too quickly overlook.

...but take heart, He has overcome the world. 

Has. As in- done. I seriously needed to check where I was placing my energy and focus. This week, it took me a good three or four days to realize what was going on here in my heart. I was exhausted. I was clinging to the wrong thing. Clinging to my 'problem'.  But we broke up yesterday.

 "It's not you, its me!" (blah blah blah)

 Me and the problem broke up cause its always going to rear its ugly head again.  And I chose the victor.  Cause seriously, lets be real, trusting although a difficult choice, a leap of faith most times. Its still easier than wasting so much energy trying to fix every stinking thing for goodness sake.  

Ain't no one got time for that!

Take heart.

 

.:Something New:.

Spring is always kind of magical to me. 

I am brimming with ideas and hopes for the warmer weather ahead, and I am usually in the need of a major pick-me-up after a long PA winter. This past winter was one of the longest, harsh winters I can remember.  So I welcome sunshine with open arms. 

I have had this blog for a few years now. Mainly I've posted photos from my photography business, some of my kids, but lately I have been feeling a shift.

I am going to continue blogging photos for my business.  But I am also going to blog thoughts, ideas, current going ons in my family life, side projects/art I am working on and basically any and everything else I need to get out of my heart/mind and share!

I just feel like I need for more. I know this is a public blog, and it helps my business, but I feel it more for me.  I feel like I want to share more, discuss more, and save more memories of what life is like for me in this season of my life. 

With that said, I have been busy. 

Hello Ewan Mathias 

He was born on April 16, here at our home. Our wonderful photographer/close friend was here and photographed the birth, I cant wait to see them, and maybe share some on here. 

He has taken our little family of four to the next level and everything is different and wonderful at the same time.

I was riding the high of a natural delivery. Anyone who has birthed a baby without drugs (especially at home) knows what I am talking about. Its a serious high, and I rode it out for a good two weeks. Yes I had my moments of hormonal dumping. Where I would lose my patience, and cry, then be laughing the next moment. My poor husband-trying to explain to the kids why I was temporarily crazy.

Everyone asked how I was doing, and seriously, I felt great and would say that going from 2 to three kids was easier than 0 to 1 and 1 to 2. 

Then three weeks hit. Rusty was well back to work, and back to normal busy life at work, recording in the studio, and taking day trips Kayaking. I thought I was ok. I tried to be ok, but man the loneliness hit hard. My patience with the bigger kids was tapped out, and I was tired. It was a bad combo. I felt like I was losing my grip on parenting, and reality and it saddened me. 

Finally Rusty and I had a few days straight of home time and I told him my heart. 

He is wonderful.

He reassured me that all the failings I had been claiming were not reality. No matter how real they seemed. Then came my revelation.

Chose truth.
Not guilt
Not shame
Not lies.  

Who does God say I am? 

I take lots of deep breaths. A LOT OF DEEP BREATHS.
I am not a failure, I know that I am just adjusting, and I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. But man, is it hard to hush the lies that seem to be whispering and at times shouting in my ear. So I chose truth.
And I took back what I know is mine, and took back my identity. Onward I go.

Week four was much better and here we are at 5 weeks and I am chugging along. It helps that Ewan is sleeping through the night. Yes thank you sweet Jesus, hallelujah! Rest.

Ruslana and I are still at odds most days, but that was going well before I had Killian or Ewan.
We are too similar.
We are like, what a good friend calls, 'sand paper'. We just grate each other.  A lot.
She is so wonderful, and caring, and such a helper. She has a tender heart and I love her so so so much.
But we sometimes struggle at getting along.  She challenges me on almost everything.

A couple weeks ago, I had a realization: We just need to hone her leadership skills, her headstrong tendencies for good! Teaching her to push in her heels on things certain things, not her mama!! All day!

Most days I lose my patience with her by 10 AM!
I have prayed for little ways to refresh my patience with her and turn my irritation to kindness. Overwhelming grace and a smiling happy mama, for real!
Physical touch is her love language. So I chose her heart.
I chose to either rub her back as she sits next to me to read. Or do something extra special with her hair, like a fun braid (I am not good at this at all, but she doesn't know that!) or tie a fun scarf around her strawberry locks.

Its amazing how it helps. It calms my frazzled nerves and turns her heart right around.

Life is looking good and different than I could have ever imagined it looking. And although tough, we are figuring it out together.
 

 

.: Giver of Life:.

Mothers day is just a few short weeks away. Just a leap into May, and we will all think of our mothers, everyone has one. Some closer than others. Some more present than a best friend in our lives. Mines the latter. 

Maybe I am a little bit crazy hormonal since I just gave birth to our third child a little over a week ago, but I have been thinking of my mom a lot lately. The good the bad the ugly. Yes I said it. And its true. Every human has those three. Maybe it should be worded a little different, something like, the True, the Raw, the Beautiful. My mom has all three. We have a very close relationship.  It kind of weirded out my husband when we first met.

I remember the day that I realized that my mom was real. She had flaws! What? N way, not my parents. She was always super put together, very full of energy. (Probably because she is boarder lining on having narcolepsy. She can and does fall asleep in mid-sentence and can sleep any and everywhere). When I was a kid, even though she was at work or school a lot, she was doing it. She is the kind of lady who says, "Hey world, I want to go back to nursing school full time and work full time and be a mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter the best I can.  oh yeah, and I want to join the military again." And she did. 

For a while there I kinda was mad at her a lot. I'll be honest.  Amidst turmoil with my brother, I felt over looked. She was doing it all, and I was left to figure it out. (Don't worry, we worked it out since I was 15!) But there's still talk of "the letter". A nasty hurtful letter I wrote one night while my mom was working night shift after being at school during the day. I needed to get it all out. All my emotions I couldn't speak out. So I did. I wrote them out. In a letter. In the worst, mean way any 15 year old could hurt their mother. And it did just that. I immediately felt terrible. But I must say, it brought us closer together. We were already close, but this was a whole new level. I felt like for the first time my mom saw me a young lady. Full of questions, emotions I didn't understand, I  needed my mom and I like to believe she saw that I wasn't as independent as we both thought. We talked it out and we have been growing along side of each other ever since. 

A lot of milestones have met us with heartache and we chose to stick together and weather the storm together.  things like my dad being diagnosed and passing away from cancer almost 8 years ago. Her mother, my Nanny, passing away after a stroke and long stretch in a nursing home.  Watching my brother struggle and make huge mistakes in his life. Skype dates while she served almost a year in Iraq. 

We choose late night phone calls just to cry it out to another person who 'gets it'. Dinner dates where we just reminisced. So hard-but great walking those things out with her.

She hasn't really ever failed. I mean I know she has, she's human like I said. But she's set out to do lots of great things, and has actually done them, well. 

Trained and walked a ridiculous amount of miles on the El Camino (thing Appalachian Trail but in France/Spain) for three weeks just cause she wanted to. Has said things like, "I've always wanted to go to Iceland, Germany, etc" and has actually gone. Its incredible. Her sense of work hard, learn as much as you can, and then play hard. 

So- Who is this woman?

Sandi Jones. 

My Marmie.

Mom. Sister. Daughter. Aunt. Gammi. Friend. US Army Captain. Sojourner. 

.:Fuller Family 4, soon to be 5:.

Lets just take a second to recognize that I am so very fortunate to be apart of such a incredibly talented bubble of Photographers here in Central Pa. 

We are so very lucky to call one of those photographers a dear friend (well, my kids refer to her as Aunt Spety, or Aunt Pety) but Svetlana is incredibly talented, blessed and has a certain gifting behind the lens. We love getting our family portraits done by her from time to time, and I love working along side of her occasionally as well. She really is something! 

I had a hard time going through these images for our family photo alum and frames, so I had to share on here, because she did such an incredible job.

If you are in need of a photographer, she is your gal! Please go and check out her website, and book her now. Seriously, Go!

http://svetlanaphoto.com

.:New baby E:.

This past week, I met the cutest little baby E.  Newest addition to the Aitkin family.  She is tiny and petite and all new and peely. The visit was sweet and mama is doing wonderful. Their home is full of such joy and wonderfulness that is a young growing family. God is so good, an when you walk in there, His fragrance hangs in the air there. 

PS. Did I mention their home is so cute and creative and cozy? (alliteration at its finest-you're welcome)